Marriage Policy of Pastor Trevor at Hope Church

(Originally Submitted to Hope Church June 8, 2024)

Personal Note

                I am grateful that you are interested in the profound blessing of marriage and have chosen me to guide you through this process. Marriages are one of the authentic delights I get to be a part of as a pastor. Please carefully read through this document. Through this process, I want to be careful to uphold Biblical marriage; additionally, I have the liberty not to do something that would violate my conscience. While it is my great privilege to unite couples, I will not be able to perform your wedding if you do not meet the criteria outlined below. If you disagree with this policy, please understand that my unwillingness to conduct your wedding is the end of the conversation. I am happy to talk through any issues with you both.

Defining Biblical Marriage

                Marriage is a God-ordained, lifelong, monogamous, heterosexual covenant union.

                Marriage is a God-ordained covenant. In Genesis 2, God ordains the marriage union of humans. In this passage, he is the one who creates Eve as a companion for Adam. This view contrasts the secular culture’s view that marriage was made up by humans trying to control each other. If God has ordained the marriage union (see also Mark 10:9), it should be valued in society and viewed as a gift. Genesis 2 teaches that God’s purpose for marriage was not to control humans but rather to help them. God gives companionship as the reason for marriage.

                Marriage is a lifelong covenant. Though broken marriages ravage our culture, God desires for marriage to be lifelong. God intends to make marriage permanent by using words like “unite to” and “one flesh” in Genesis 2:24. These words communicate an inseparable, permanent relationship in the original languages.[1] God’s purpose for creating Eve was not to give Adam temporal companionship but rather lifelong companionship. Jesus communicates this belief regarding marriage in Mark 10:9, “What God has joined together, let no one separate.”

                Marriage is a monogamous covenant. Though examples exist in the Bible of men having more than one wife, polygamy is not God’s intent for marriage. God did not give Adam many wives, only Eve. Additionally, the Bible does not mention multiple wives in scripture. Instead, men in the Bible take multiple wives of their own will. The stories of multiple wives in the Bible are almost always messy, complicated, and lead to sin. The Bible portrays these stories of multiple wives in a negative light. Though the Bible does not explicitly condemn polygamy, it upholds and promotes monogamy. Paul positively affirms that each man will have one wife in Biblical marriage and a wife her own husband (1 Corinthians 7:2).

                Marriage is a heterosexual covenant. Of all the above statements about marriage, this issue is the most contested debate today. Contrary to the secular culture’s belief, marriage must be between a man and a woman. God’s intent for marriage is for two opposite genders to covenant together. Not only does God ordain this opposite-gender covenant in Genesis 2, but Jesus reaffirms this opposite-gendered covenant in Matthew 19:4.

                Marriage is a covenant. Marriage is more than a commitment or contract since commitments and contracts can be broken. Marriage is more than a legal status since the Bible honors marriage in a way that legal status does not. The Bible portrays covenants as something that cannot be broken, something that the covenant parties must uphold wholeheartedly at all costs. Because marriage is a covenant, couples must protect it at all costs with the highest honor.

                Not only is marriage a covenant, but it is also a picture of the gospel. God designed marriage not only to be beneficial for humans but also to display His glory. Ephesians 5:31-32 reveals this mystery: God desires to display the covenant of Christ and His church through the husband-and-wife relationship, which is applicable to both non-Christians and Christians alike. John Piper says, “The marriage covenant is patterned after Christ’s covenant commitment to his church.”[2] Marriage is more than just staying in love; it is living the truth in our lives. Because God intended marriage to be a living picture of the gospel, the marriage ceremony will necessitate the inclusion of the gospel.

Premarital Counseling

                Due to the importance of a lifelong marriage, premarital counseling is a crucial aspect of marriage preparation. Premarital counseling will provide you with tools such as effective communication, conflict resolution, understanding each other, and realistic expectations that will help your marriage succeed in the long run. So, even though you may right now think you have your relationship figured out, premarital counseling will enable your marriage to last a lifetime.  

                Marriage counseling will last eight weeks (in extraordinary circumstances, this can be shortened). You will meet with me once a week for the next eight weeks. We will read through a book on marriage throughout the week and discuss the highlights during our meeting. Additionally, you will create a document together about your marriage commitments.

Concerning Christians

                While marriage brings many blessings, the Christian couple should revel in the opportunity to display the gospel through their lives. The Christian couple upholds God’s laws and standards. Sexual sin must not be permitted in any form. During the marriage counseling process, abstinence must be practiced as a demonstration of love for God. If the couple is living together, my recommendation would be to separate until the consummation of the wedding night. Our church is happy to provide a place for one of the members to stay until the wedding. If a circumstance does not allow for living separately, which is not recommended, then abstinence must be practiced. This situation will be discussed weekly in the premarital counseling sessions. 1 Corinthians 10:13 reminds the believer that God is faithful to help you through temptation. Please also read 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7, and Hebrews 13:4.

                The Christian can rejoice that while sin may be a part of the past, Christ has graciously forgiven sin (Romans 3:24-26). Therefore, Christians should not be hung up by their sin, shame, guilt, or regret. Christ has freely forgiven us and gave us his righteousness. However, should we continue to sin so that grace abounds? Paul answers this question with an “absolutely not!” in Romans 6. Paul says that either one is obedient to God, leading to life, or obedient to sin, leading to death. Therefore, the faithful Christian will abstain from sin, namely, sexual immorality.

Concerning non-Christians

                Our church believes that healthy marriages are the foundational building blocks for a healthy society. We desire to promote marriage among both Christians and non-Christians. I am thrilled that you want to embark on this great adventure of a covenant commitment to a lifelong partner. I am happy to do your wedding. Because I believe that marriage embodies the gospel, I will incorporate the gospel message into your wedding as I speak.

Concerning Christians Marrying Non-Christians

                While Christians cherish marriage, a believer marrying an unbeliever is unbiblical and practically unwise. 1 Corinthians 7:39 and 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 speak to this issue. Paul commands believers not to partner with unbelievers. The Christian’s primary life goal is to love and serve God, whereas the non-Christian does not share these desires. One individual desires decisions to be made based on the glory of God, and the other individual does not. To achieve unity, the Christian will often need to compromise their beliefs and push Christ further away from the center of their life. The Christian should strive to find a lifelong partner who will mutually help, encourage, and exhort through the Christian life. Because the Bible prohibits inter-religious marriage, I will not perform your wedding. I encourage you to read the verses listed above and discuss this situation with me.

Concerning Same-Sex Relationships

                As stated above, marriage from a Biblical perspective is heterosexual. This understanding prohibits homosexual marriage. As noted above, God and later Jesus positively affirm marriage as one man and one woman (Genesis 2:24-25 and Matthew 19:4-5). The Bible not only affirms heterosexual marriage but condemns homosexuality. To avoid the negative passages and prohibitions concerning homosexuality, one must do hermeneutical gymnastics. Genesis 19, Leviticus 18:22, Romans 1:21-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, 1 Timothy 1:10, Jude 9 condemn or speak negatively about homosexuality. While some might want to explain the Old Testament as obsolete, the New Testament overwhelmingly condemns homosexuality. Romans 1:21-27 are the most explicit verses that speak to the issue of homosexuality. Some might want to explain away the word ἀρσενοκοίτης, used for homosexuality in the New Testament, as pederasty. However, even secular ancient historians and linguists agree that the New Testament condemns homosexuality with the word ἀρσενοκοίτης.[3] Since the Bible calls homosexuality a sin, I will not be able to perform a homosexual wedding as it would violate my conscience. Although I will not marry you, you are both welcome to attend our church, and I am happy to discuss this issue in-depth with you.

Concerning Divorcees

                As mentioned above, God’s intent for marriage is a lifelong covenant commitment. Divorce is a less-than-ideal representation of the covenant of Christ and his church. Christ will never leave his church. The true church will not walk away from Christ. However, due to human sin and circumstances beyond God’s intent, people sometimes divorce. In Matthew 19 and Mark 10, Jesus condemns divorce as a sin. Additionally, Jesus equates remarriage to adultery (Matthew 5:32, 19:9, Mark 10:11-12, and Luke 16:18). Depending upon interpretation, Jesus might permit one exception in the case of the partner being sexually immoral, but I believe this exception clause to be for betrothal, consistent with the above-listed texts, and the story of Joseph and Mary. In 1 Corinthians 7:15, Paul also provides an exception for divorce for individuals who become Christians while their spouses do not. But note that this divorce is not pursued by the follower of Christ, but is passively accepted for the sake of peace by the follower of Christ. This exception is not Paul’s ideal scenario, as he wishes the couple would stay together. Paul desires that no one will divorce, as he states in verses 10-14 of the same chapter; Paul is not naïve enough to think that illegitimate divorces will never happen.[4] Concerning illegitimate divorces, he says that if someone does get divorced, they should either remain single or reconcile with their partner. Because of these main passages, I will only marry people who were previously unmarried. Please do not think this ends the conversation; I am happy to work through these issues together and acknowledge that each individual situation might be different.

[1] K. A. Mathews, Genesis 1-11:26, The New American Commentary (Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 1996), Logos Bible Software.

[2] John Piper, This Momentary Marriage, (Wheaton, IL: Crossway 2009), 24.

[3] Kevin DeYoung, What Does the Bible Really Teach About Homosexuality? (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2015), 79-88.

[4] Richard L. Pratt Jr, I & II Corinthians, Holman New Testament Commentary, (Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 2000), Logos Bible Software.